Morning

I told myself the morning would be better and it feels like it is. The time change does not help things, but I slept well and as I write, I’m in the bath–lavender buds floating around me and the smell of peppermint oil in the air.

The thought crossed my mind that lavender buds look a lot like mouse droppings in the water, but never mind that. This is about self-care at 6:30 am on a Monday morning.

I am taking a bath before work. Surely, this must be madness. Or sacrilege. Or both.

I slept better last night. After lulling myself to sleep, I rested better. I always know that I’ve slept well when I wake with my arm outstretched above me, wrapping around the top of my head. Last night, when I woke because I was cold or uncomfortable, I tried going to sleep in that position. It seemed to work.

It made me think about how to get what we want, sometimes we have to fake it first. Maybe I just need to fake the position of deep sleep until I’m actually in one.

Maybe I need to fake not being codependent until I am. Maybe I need to dress for the career I want until I have it. Maybe I need to pretend I’m rich until I am.

It’s the Law of Attraction, right?

You cast into the Universe your wants and needs and it’s reciprocated.

Still, that shit is exhausting and despite this being a bath filled with salts and herbs and oils to give me energy, I find myself yawning.

Small steps.

Small steps, but keep stepping.

Maybe I should work on my vision board.

Maybe I should apply to that job in Oregon.

Maybe I should just cease my job search for the rest of the year until I truly know what I want to do.

I’ve come to accept I’m a seeker. It does not mean I want to be one forever though.

Sometimes I envision buying my own house–a sprawling ranch style home on acreage. Sometimes, I envision myself at a size 8, too.

Sometimes I envision myself as a jet setter–a world traveler who picks a destination and goes. Sometimes I envision myself a 5Ker again. Sometimes I envision myself as a full-time entrepreneur setting my own schedule, being rested, meditating at 10 am (just before a midday nap, of course), and easily building relationships and wealth. Another check to deposit into the bank this week? I don’t mind if I do, thank you very much.

My sponsors words of wisdom come back to me: Just be yourself–authentically and organically you.

Alright.

But, who am I again?

My daily meditation talks about accepting and letting go of crisis and chaos. Note, the author is not calling us to suppress it, but accept it, and as you and I know per Joe McQ, once you accept something, then you can change it, if need be.

When I think about yesterday, I think about how desperately exhausted I was. So exhausted and unwell, I didn’t trust myself to make it to a nearby city where Indian food and a massage awaited.

Maybe I should have stayed in bed all day. Maybe I should have stayed in the bath all day.

But there’s no point in lingering in would haves and should haves, is there?

But I can let my past experience inform my future. For starters, I need sleep. Like a fish needs water. Like we need air.

Goal: I’ll be in bed by 9:00 p.m. every night. Not necessarily asleep, but resting.

And here’s another goal: a massage today. Midday. Phone off and I’m going to tell them to pay close attention to my feet, please and thank you.


This lavender really does look like mouse droppings…oh well.

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