Right Here

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Today, God, help me relax and enjoy the scenery.  Help me know I’m right where I need to be on my journey.

This is today’s meditation.  And yesterday, I knew this.

There was no mistaking it–I was where I needed to be.

Over the past week of silence here, I’ve run the gamut of emotions offline.  And yet, I’d tell you in conversation–which I did to my counselor and to my CoDA group–that I’m feeling nothing.  Nothing remarkable, that is.  Nothing that stands out.  Nothing that I could easily put pen to paper on.  And yet, feeling nothing for me is not a good thing–it’s a place of uncertainty, of unrest, of emotional vulnerability.

I felt the fray.

And yet, I still found my way to a small church yesterday morning–and for the first time in a long time, I felt I was exactly where I needed to be.

I arrived late, well-meaning parishioners fussed over me trying to make me feel comfortable in a room of older faces, and yet, I could not help but feel as if I had come home.  I could not help but feel that this was exactly where I needed to be, and for all of yesterday afternoon, evening, and even this morning, I cannot get the church or the people off of my mind.

The pastor, in particular, seems very familiar to me.  Though I cannot place it, I do not think this is the first time our paths crossed.  Perhaps he filled in for an absent rector at my former parish, or perhaps somewhere else.

What I do know is that I am eager to return.

By the grace of God, I’m excited for Sundays again.

By the grace of God, I am being called home again–to the pew, to prayer, to communion, to renewed faith.

While in church, I prayed to God to make my path apparent–that I was giving it up to Him.  And I feel peace about that.  When I catch myself worrying about the path, I remind myself that God has everything in control.  I will end up exactly where I need to be.  I do not doubt that.

I do not doubt that God has a perfect plan for me.

I went to church alone.  He had things he wanted to accomplish here, and so he stayed home.  When he asked about my experience, I couldn’t say enough about it.  He expressed interest in visiting next week if I decide to return.  And I will.

After lunch, I worked on a jigsaw puzzle while he worked on his truck.  Eventually, he called me outside and we spent the next couple of hours working on his truck and my car.  And we had fun.  At one point, while I was bent over waxing the side of my car, he bent over, too, and kissed me on the top of my head.  It was very sweet.  I’ve missed those unexpected signs of affection.

As we tucked into bed last night, I asked him if he ever thought he’d want to get married.  He said no, he didn’t really see the point.  And instead of lying silent, I told him, “I still believe in marriage.”  And I do.

I want to be married again one day.  It’s important to me.  Why it’s important to me is something I need to explore.

But for now, I rest easy remembering how God put me exactly where I needed to be yesterday.  And I if I was exactly where I needed to be yesterday, I am where I need to be today.

 

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