Find the Circle

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This morning’s meditation was titled, “Off the Hook.”  The “hook” being one of those three corners of Karpman’s triangle: caretaker, persecutor, or martyr.

We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships–behaviors such as care-taking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.

We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.

This one makes me laugh a little.

Beattie’s emphasis is on things other people do to hook the codependent.

That other people do?

How about that I do?

Since starting my recovery, I’ve discovered that nine times out of 10, I’m the one hooking myself.  And when my “codependency is showing,” it’s not unlike playing an emotional roulette.  Let’s spin the wheel and see what sticks.

Last night, my codependency was showing.  And whether anyone else was as bothered by it as I was, I don’t know.  But I went to sleep with this thought: I’m tired of this damn triangle.  I need to find a circle.  And I quietly deemed it, the circle of “I don’t give a fuckery.”

Because that’s how ‘normal’ people seem to operate.  Those not driven by their emotions.  Those not constantly on the hook–self-impaled–by compulsive care-taking, persecuting, or victimizing.  Other people’s emotional wellbeing is not their responsibility.  They are direct about what they want and unapologetically so.  And moreover, they seem to get what they want.  Every.  Time.

In the moments of greater insight, though, I need to honor the fact that these moments are often self-imposed–particularly when I feel discounted, as I did last night.  Again, I was feeling left out.  And to be honest with you, I don’t know how to combat that feeling.  If I directly ask to be involved, do I look like a pathetic tag-along?  If I simply tag-along without asking to be involved, will I feel like I belong?  If I don’t tag-along, if I don’t involve myself, will I actually be discounted, regarded as someone who doesn’t care, or worse?

The “Cool Kids Bus” has flown right past me.  Again.






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