Acting “As if”

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In today’s meditation, Beattie wrote about the importance of acting “as if.”

Don’t act as if you have enough money to cover that check, she wrote.  Act as if you have the power to say “no,” until you actually believe it.  Act as if you’re undependent until you actually are.  Acting as if is a great tool for getting unstuck.

So, we’re to fake it till we make it.

Lovely.  I’m a horrible actress.

And I am so very, very stuck.

When he couldn’t make it home in time to join me at my CoDA meeting, he decided to take his daughter shopping.  He did this last Wednesday night when he decided to pass on coming to that meeting, too.  This morning, I saw he posted a proud picture of him and his daughter on Facebook at the shopping mall.

I feel like collapsing.  Imploding.  Giving up.

I asked him this morning, “Are we falling apart again?”

No, he said.  I don’t think so.

I feel so much anger and pain right now.

He mentioned that he may get a $20,000 bonus this year.  I replied, “Wow.  It was nice knowing you.”

He asked why I couldn’t be happy for him about anything good that happens to him.  Why must you be so bitter and negative?

I’m sorry I’m such a bad person, I said.

I feel like shit.

I’m in the midst of a massive backslide and I cannot seem to stop it.

When he wasn’t home when I got home last night, I lost my appetite.  I hadn’t eaten in 8 hours, and brought food home, but barely ate half of it.  I put the uneaten portion on his night stand.

He thought it was sweet I brought food home for him.

I am struggling.

After he left for work this morning, I texted him the obvious: “I’m in a really bad spot at the moment.”

And then, “I know it’s not your concern but I could use your help by…”

Ok, got it, he responded.

Thanks, I said.  I’m going to reach out to some CoDA friends today.  If you want to have coffee, let me know.

No response yet.

Then, I reached out to a CoDA friend.

No response yet.

I’m angry at myself for feeling this way.  I cannot let it go.

I feel let down by him.  Again.

Someone in last night’s meeting shared something she once heard in an Alanon meeting years ago.

We often create repeat situations in hopes of creating a different outcome. 

Our relationship started as an affair.  And truthfully, when our marriages ended, I never felt as if he chose me.  And while I see his efforts now, and feel many days as if he is choosing me, there are moments like last night that dredge up painful feelings.

I’m jealous.

You see, he has two daughters, but this daughter is the apple of his eye.  She can do no wrong.  At Christmas, she gets the biggest and most expensive gifts of all five of his kids.  It pains him to disappoint her.  He’s never tells her no.  If he wants to, he doesn’t say no, but instead conveys some reason why he can’t.  His knees hurt, he doesn’t feel well, he has a headache.  This evades disappointing her, and successfully wins her sympathy.

He goes to great lengths to be there for her.

Perhaps many of my feelings are because my father was not there for me.  And even when he said he would be, I spent hours at the window some weekends waiting for him to come when he never did.  He was violent, manipulative, thrived on pulling guilt-trips, and failing to uphold his promises.

He was everything to me that my boyfriend is not to his daughter.

My boyfriend is not my father.  He’s my partner.  And yet, I still feel devastated when he doesn’t show up.  Especially when him not showing up for me means that he gets to show up more for his daughter.

Again, I don’t feel chosen.

Choose yourself, people suggest.

I wish I could choose me.  Sometimes, I have conversations with the little girl who is still waiting by the window.  It’s OK, I tell her.  Come on, let’s go do something. 

And it breaks my heart that as a 36-year old woman, I am still waiting by the window.

As a mom myself, I encourage my kids’ interests, and tell my daughters especially that they can do and be anything they want to be.  I want them to be happy above all.

I wish I had someone to tell me the same thing.  To take my hand and say, you can do this.  You can be anything you want to be.  Who will take my hand and say, “Let’s go do something.”

I need to get away from the window.

I need to show up for myself.

I don’t know how.

 

 

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