When I sat down on my counselor’s couch this morning and he asked what was going on these days, I responded: I’m learning how much of a control freak I am.
He laughed and scribbled down “control freak” in his notes.
He saw a side of me he hasn’t seen before, though he says he’s known it’s there.
I was frustrated. Certain names forced expletives out of my mouth. And I dropped the F-bomb a few times.
Then I asked, if I can figure out why I’m feeling this way, will I feel different?
I don’t want to hate anyone. I don’t want anyone to get under my skin so easily.
That’s a good question, he said.
Maybe, he suggested, you could find something about this person that evokes sympathy.
I countered: is this really a healthy thing to do?
Well, it can be, he said.
I need a hobby, I remarked. I see why it’s so important to have a hobby.
I felt better leaving my counseling session. The anger inside me seemed to dissipate. And truthfully, I’m not sure why I felt it to begin with. Maybe it’s because I felt rejected. Maybe it’s because I’m working on not controlling him, and others are happily stepping in to fill that newly created void. Maybe it’s because he’s so strongly not wanted to be controlled by me (understandable) but seems OK to be controlled by others.
I think the important thing to remember is that it’s not as productive to spend time thinking about his motives, or her motives. Again, I am powerless over others. The more important question to ask is: how does it impact me?
It’s interesting how when my life was made invisible by others, I wanted to be seen. And now that our life seems to be on the brink of close watch, I want to be invisible.
So what’s the good news?
The good news is that as I think about hobbies, I feel like I’m starting to scratch the surface of something good. I feel as if something is about the break the surface.
Patience, I remind myself.
Let go of the impulsive instincts. You have time.
It’s a privilege to be able to focus on me, to explore various interests. It’s exciting to think about having new hobbies, new skills.
And that’s what I need to focus on.