Slow Crawl

screen shot 2019-01-10 at 3.42.52 pm

“Maybe,” I think.

Maybe, I’ll make the slow crawl back to being fat again. 

It’s an addiction of a different kind.  Throughout my life, weight has been an issue.  I’ve cycled between very heavy to slightly overweight.  When he broke up with me last March, I lost.  Now that we’re back together, I’m gaining.

In “Eat, Pray, Love,” she ate her way through Italy.  Carbs for days.  And while she gained weight, she was happy.  So, please, pass over that chocolate hazelnut bar.  And that other piece of chocolate.  And that one, too.

It’s all in for a good cause: my happiness.

Except, I’m not happy.  Not today.  I feel down, and slightly ill, and have zero energy.

And add to that food guilt—I ate most of the chocolate hazelnut bar.  You know, the one that is 160 calories per serving, and has 7 servings per bar.

(Don’t do the math.)

I believe that balance is critical.  And sometimes, nutritionally swinging one way is a way to regain your balance.

I also believe that what I’m doing is a way of filling the void–the void left behind by practicing non-codependent behaviors.  I’m uncomfortably bored.  I’m not screaming at anyone.  I’m not ruminating over the future of our relationship.  I’m not bawling through an emotional tirade of wrongs that have been committed against me.

I’m doing a whole lot less than I have done in a really long time.

And I seem to be filling that void with food.

Why couldn’t I be addicted to lettuce instead of chocolate?

Fuck.

Why must I be addicted to anything?

I feel like my mouth must constantly be doing something.  Or my hands.

Is this withdrawals?

Even between typing sentences, I’m grasping my hands together and fidgeting.

I don’t want to be fat.  But I don’t know how to fill this void either.

I can see why in perceived loss, people go to great lengths to fill.  They take on new hobbies, they renovate their homes, they travel.  It’s as if they cannot sit still.

But instead of painting, or knocking down a wall, or buying that plane ticket to Finland, I’m baking and cooking and nibbling, and craving.

OMG.

This is withdrawal.  This feeling of being uncomfortable.  The fidgeting.  The down feelings.  I’m practicing non-codependent behaviors a little too well, and suddenly my “supply” is not there.

Wow.  More to come.

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