A-ha Moments

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A-ha moments.  I like them.

Like the a-ha moment this morning.

Today’s reading was about relationships.

Recovery is not done apart from our relationships, the author writes.

A-ha.

I cannot tell you how many motivational quote cards I’ve screenshot-ed about “You cannot heal where you were hurt,” and how many times I’ve contemplated whether I should move out to recover, to find myself, to start over.

As I learn more about codependency though, today’s reading makes sense.  Codependency is relationship-based.  It seems only intuitive then that it’s within a relationship that we take our “recovery show on the road.”

How can one recover from codependency outside of a relationship?

Granted, we have many relationships with many different people, not all of whom we’ve chosen. But my codependency rages within an intimate relationship.

Obviously.

It started with my broken relationship with my father as a young girl, and has carried into every intimate relationship I’ve had.

In one of my reading’s yesterday, the author talked about how she spent years blaming other people for her problems.  I can relate.  I’ve blamed others for the consequences of the choices I made.  I’ve spent many tearful conversations with others pondering why I’m consistently treated so poorly.

Let’s get one thing straight: My unmanageable life is a result of the choices I made.  No one held my hand to sign the amendment to my divorce decree allowing my ex-husband to relocate with the children.  No one forced my legs open in my affairs.  No one forced me to quit jobs and career paths.

No one is truly hurting me, except me.

I’ve hurt me to no end, and those I love most have, sadly, been collateral damage.

To “escape” a relationship to avoid further hurt, to recover is as self-defeating as the myriad of choices I’ve made that have brought me here.  Because if the only person who has truly hurt me is me–well, no distance between me and intimate partner will separate me from the true source of this unmanageable life: me.

And from recent experience, I can say that as a recovering codependent, there is something remarkable about recovery within a relationship. There is something remarkable about peaceful days, and even more remarkable when you learn that you and your partner can have good days even when you have emotions that are less than happy.

The greatest wonder I’ve experienced since starting this journey is having days where I have anxiety, and feel emotional swings toward crises, but handled them, controlled them–felt the feelings and then let them go–and he turned to me at the end of the day and said, “Today was a good day,” and…I agree.

 

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