Feeling Selfish

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Still discouraged by last night’s discussion about traveling this year, I reached out to a new CoDA friend who is recently divorced and single.

I’m thinking about a long weekend in Mexico, I texted.  Is this something you’d be interested in?

It’s funny you should mention that, she responded. It’s something I want to do more of when I’m financially stable again.

She went on, I couldn’t afford to pay anything, so I don’t know if that’s the kind of company you want, but if so—I’m game!

I asked, can you afford to pay anything at all?

No, she said. She can’t even afford to pay all of her rent this month.

I thought briefly about paying her way, justifying it as a girls’ trip, helping a friend. It seemed more innocuous than paying his way.  That gave me pause–why?

It’s simple: I still want to win his favor. I don’t care about winning hers.

Damn this codependency thing.

I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t be the rescuer.  I can’t be the lavish gift-giver.  I can’t sacrifice my own needs and wants to win over another.

Stop, Old Me. Stop!

I catch myself falling into the trap of thinking, “What would he do in my situation?”  And that’s a fallacy of logic.  Because it’s not actually logical.  It’s imagined.  And by imagining it, I’m creating his reaction upon which I’m basing my decisions.

If I decide he’d go without me, I feel rejected and spiteful.

If I decide he’d stay, I feel paralyzed at the thought of going by myself.

I very much still feel called to consider his emotions and pander to them in my big decision-making.

Codependency sucks.  And so does self-awareness.  Maybe even more so.  At least when you’re a faithful codependent, you bury your head in the metaphorical sands of ignorance.  It doesn’t feel good, but you don’t know any better.

Now I know better and it still doesn’t feel good.

It actually feels worse.

Because practicing not being a codependent feels very selfish and vain.  Not stepping in to be the caretaker feels like you’re letting the other person down somehow.  I find I worry that he’ll think I’m losing interest in him, or caring for him less.

But I have to remind myself that there is a difference between caring and caretaking.  I am to be my own caretaker and he is to be his.

I will not forfeit my peace today.

I will give myself permission to dream.

I will encourage myself to set goals.

I will ensure that I maintain control over my financial goals.

My money works for me.

I will not forfeit my peace today.

I will not forfeit my peace today.

I will not.





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